Jack Driscoll 414-659-3208 Sheboygan, WI | jack.driscoll@gmail.com | jackd@ethertech.org | jackd.ethertech.org (www)

Subject: IRL Data Center Technician — because uptime doesn’t maintain itself

Dear Whoever’s Running This Circus,

Can I fix this? Fuck yes! Are you fucking kidding me? I can fix an AIX box that hasn’t been touched since the 80s. I can fix linux, FreeBSD, Windows, MAC, routers, firewalls, 802.11, my car and your toaster. Am I qualified to make/bundle/repair/label cables, install/configure desktop and server OS’s from anyone, anywhere (I’ve done it from 17 floppies), walk into a room with 100 Nagios alerts per second, pop open a terminal and feel my way to the problem? No, actually I’m not qualified, but I can bet you dollars to donuts I can do it better than that guy with alphabet soup after his name. I could do this shit all fucking day.

What if it’s not nice out? I’ve terminated cables in -40’ wind chill 100’ in the air! I’ve done it in rain, shine, snow, sleet. I’ve done it in basements and 150’ in the air. I’ve done it bleary-eyed in the morning and 4 hours after I should have left. I’ve done it when people said it was unfixable or not worth it. I’ve made too old beat brand new and pushed more throughput than you can shake a stick at 30 miles away with no wires. At one company I went from “I have OpenWRT on my router” to being the sole employee running a company with 1,000 customers and 900sq mi service area - doing installs, help desk, servers, backbone, networking, documentation and FCC compliance, for fucks sake. In two years!

I wired up an entire data center with nothing but a wire cutter (I’m kidding!, I brought my own tools for it so I could do it the right way). But I did wire up a 4-rack data center completely by myself, including all the installation of hardware and software. It looked fantastic! When the consultants came in, they asked who did the wiring because it was that goddamn nice. I was so proud of my TIA/EIA-568-compatible labels (it wasn’t even required, but I learned how and did it anyway because why not).

No, but really, I tested and verified all the cables while making them the correct length. I fucking love cabling! I could do that shit ALL DAY LONG, I tell you what. My first termination took 5 minutes, by the end of the day, I was under 60s. Every cable the right length, every wire parallel with no tangles, cleanly bundled into branches like vines.

I want someone to walk in there 20 years from now and have an easy job because I did the hard work and think to themselves “I don’t know what I did to appease the packet gods or who left me such a clean, clear, exact, and accurate collection of cables, but Thank Fuck, because my day is now 100% easier than the rats nest I usually deal with”. I don’t even want the credit, I just want to know that I made someone else’s life better and easier.

I saw your posting for a Data Center Technician and thought, finally, someone who understands that “turning it off and on again” is both an art and a science (did you leave it unplugged long enough for the caps to discharge?). I’ve been building, breaking, and resurrecting machines since Windows XP was still cool…ish, and frankly, I’m really good at keeping expensive blinking boxes alive. I know that some of the blinks are good and some are fucked, and I know the difference like a ghost whisperer. That’s what I am – a packet whisperer.

You need someone who can swap DIMMs at 3 a.m. without crying, label cables like they love it (I do!), and not electrocute themselves (too much) in the process. That’s me. That’s what I do. I can troubleshoot hardware with one hand and sip coffee with the other while muttering dark prophecies about Update Tuesday and systemD (fuck you Poettering, you made the world a worse place).

I’ve got years of IT experience, real scars from rack rails, and enough A+ / hardware know-how to keep your data center humming even when management insists on “just one more firmware update” during production. I’ll show up, fix what’s broken, and probably make it better just because I can’t help myself. You want me to do an uncertified termination because you’re short on time? No, sir, not unless you sign a waiver allowing it, because I’m not taking the heat when it fails.

If you want someone who actually enjoys this kind of madness, let’s talk. I promise not to swear too much in the first interview (no promises after). I like being on call, swooping in, and making everything right again. It’s what gives me value and meaning in life. When I’m not fixing everybody else’s messes (and hopefully being rewarded with cold, hard, cash) I feel an empty void inside that can only be filled by AA meetings and GOD.

Sincerely, Jack Driscoll Professional Button-Pusher & Certified Wizard of the Power Cycle

PS: Yes, I’m kinda weird (ADHD, ASD, MDD), but I’m also kind, compassionate, and I love helping people. If I can help, great, if I can teach them to help themselves, even better. If I don’t know it, I’ll learn it, If I can’t do it, I’ll find out how. What sets me apart from people is also what sets me apart from people. Did I mention my IQ makes me technically a genius? Not until the end, because it’s not as important as having experience and knowing what I’m doing and when I don’t know what I’m doing…yet. I’m your man.